WWE Royal Rumble 2017 Results and Review Remember The Rumble and Complain About It Online

Meh. Just Meh. 

January 29, 2017 was a big day for WWE. A lot of hype surrounding Royal Rumble was in place, and a lot of people were looking forward to seeing what would happen with the volatile nature that comes before the Road to Wrestlemania officially begins. Everyone made predictions about anything and everything, except for me. I just got a six pack of Old Chub, ordered 2 large pizzas, and watch the show like a true fan. But today I’ll be reviewing it, and talking about what I liked, what I didn’t like, and all of the in between stupidity that I can remember from the night. 52,020 people packed into the Alamodome for this one, and I almost went. I kind of regret it now, but I didn’t want to drop a thousand dollars to go there, without any friends, and then hire an escort to keep me company for an hour, before going back to loneliness. Whatever the case is, here are my thoughts on the Rumble, which I vaguely remember after the Old Chub. Or the Chubby One as I call it.

WWE Royal Rumble 2017 Results

Becky Lynch, Nikki Bella, and Naomi defeated Alexa Bliss, Mickie James, and Natalya
Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson defeated Cesaro and Sheamus for the WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Titles
Nia Jax defeated Sasha Banks
Charlotte Flair defeated Bayley
Kevin Owens defeated Roman Reigns
Neville defeated Rich Swann for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
John Cena defeated Aj Styles for the WWE Championship
Randy Orton won the Royal Rumble after eliminating Roman Reigns

WWE Royal Rumble 2017 Review

I debated not watching the pre-show, but my wife wasn’t feeling well and fell asleep. So that left me with a choice. Should I drink a 6 pack of Old Chub without pizza or wait for pizza to arrive? I started the party and watched the entire pre-show, which I normally wouldn’t. I had to get up at 4 AM the next morning, but I still made it through this 6 hour epic. Here are my thoughts on what I remember.

Becky Lynch, Nikki Bella, and Naomi defeated Alexa Bliss, Mickie James, and Natalya

Here we go, the first match of the night and the crowd wasn’t even in their seats yet. I would’ve been 3 light beers and a hot dog into my night. This match wasn’t that great, although it was around 10 minutes. The Feminazis on Twitter probably complained that this was like a Divas match not a women’s revolution. Oh well.

Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson defeated Cesaro and Sheamus for the WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Titles

I still call it the “BRO” Kick, and well, one of the referees got kicked hard and that was it. The club sandwich boys get their win. There you go. All you Japan marks can be happy now.

Nia Jax defeated Sasha Banks

R.I.P. Sasha Banks. The Boss is now just an intern. Nia Jax blew right through Banks slapping, and throwing her 90 pound body at her. Banks lost, and got buried, simple as that.

Charlotte Flair defeated Bayley

Bayley put on a good showing here, even busting open Charlotte’s mouth, but that didn’t factor into the fact that Charlotte’s a beast on PPV. If you put the title on the line and it’s a PPV event, she delivers like her father. With that in mind, Bayley went down after a serious finisher on the apron. Great push. I liked it, and that was that. Bayley has a long way to go before she gets the title, and Charlotte needs more competition, simple as that. Don’t tell me it’s Asuka, she can’t speak English that well, yet.

Kevin Owens defeated Roman Reigns

23 minutes is all you need to tell a great story in my view. You do not need 50 minutes and Japanese fans to get a good match. Kenny Omega can go suck it. Here’s a killer match. Roman Reigns put on a show, but you know what bugs me? He is superman. He gets hit in the face with brass knuckles, kicks out, gets hit with a Stone Cold Stunner, kicks out, frog splash through a table, kicks out, and that’s it. Kevin Owens threw everything at him, and if it weren’t for outside interference from Brown Shoeman, Owens couldn’t beat Reigns. That’s the story that was shown here, and it’s sad. Owens cannot beat Reigns, simple as that.

Neville defeated Rich Swann for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship

Neville beat Rich Swann. I’m tired of being told that the cruiserweights are high flyers. This match exemplified the dichotomy. These guys are supposed to be fast moving, high flyers, but yet the matches for the WWE Cruiserweight belt are mostly mat based, and include tapping out each time. Does no one win the title with high flying? Nope. It’s boring.

John Cena defeated Aj Styles for the WWE Championship

Once again, Kenny Omega can go suck it, because under 25 minutes, a story of epic proportions was posted. John Cena won huge here, and I loved the match. A great back and forth match, with lots of near falls, and some great story telling. Superman Cena won after a rolling AA, which was great. I loved it.

Randy Orton won the Royal Rumble after eliminating Roman Reigns

The Royal Rumble match went over an hour. The people that drew number 1 and number 2 were Big Cass and Chris Jericho! Jericho sat out the match for the most part, which is dumb booking. Why have him stay so long? Zayn should’ve been the number 2 guy, since his conditioning is way better.

The most exciting moment in the whole thing for me was Jack Gallagher and his umbrella! That was great, and loved every minute. James Ellsworth was great too, and then things dropped out.

The Undertaker looks fat.

Goldberg and Lesnar again! Lesnar got thrown out fast, lame.

Roman Reigns threw out Undertaker, and Randy Orton dumped him out to win the Rumble.

Overall, I had a lot of fun. The match was fun, the whole night was good, but honestly, this was a forgettable Rumble for me. I won’t remember much, except for maybe Jack Gallagher’s 3 minutes of fame. I loved it. Give that guy more time in WWE, I’ll pay to see him. Other than that, meh, Orton vs Cena again? Ok. Sure.