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WWE Summerslam 2016 has come and gone. I recall someone saying that Brock Lesnar was just playing grab ass in the WWE, and perhaps they are eating their words this morning. This was perhaps the worst evetn that I’ve seen since I paid to see WCW’s 2000 pay per views. Heck, I can openly admit that this nearly bored me to tears, had it not been for Good Island IPA, so thank you for that beer big BEER.
I did not see NXT Takeover. I heard it was good. But I didn’t care. The matches didn’t get me excited, so I didn’t watch it. Summerslam kind of had my attention. So let’s do this, let’s talk about Summerslam, match by match. It should be noted that I did not watch the pre-show.
WWE Summerslam 2016 Results RIP Harambe Edition
THE PRE SHOW Matches Below
The Usos, American Alpha & The Hype Bros def. Breezango, The Ascension & The Vaudevillains
Sami Zayn & Neville def. The Dudley Boyz
Sheamus def. Cesaro (Best of Seven Series Match No. 1)
The Summerslam PPV Show
Chris Jericho & Kevin Owens def. Enzo Amore & Big Cass
Charlotte def. WWE Women’s Champion Sasha Banks
Intercontinental Champion The Miz def. Apollo Crews
AJ Styles def. John Cena
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson def. WWE Tag Team Champions The New Day via disqualification
WWE World Champion Dean Ambrose def. Dolph Ziggler
Nikki Bella, Natalya & Alexa Bliss def. Becky Lynch, Naomi, & Carmella
Finn Bálor def. Seth Rollins to become the first WWE Universal Champion
The United States Championship Match did not take place after Roman Reigns rendered Rusev unable to compete
Brock Lesnar def. Randy Orton via TKO
WWE Summerslam 2016 Review RIP Harambe Edition
Chris Jericho & Kevin Owens def. Enzo Amore &Big Cass
The first match of the night got the crowd really going. Wait. This wasn’t the first match of the night. This was the first one for the PPV broadcast. That being said, this was a great way to open things up, however, I knew from the first point forward that Enzo Amore and Big Cass was going to get buried, and boy did they ever. Enzo is great on the mic, but as a wrestler, he’s got a long way to go to match the prowess of the veterans. Cass is good, but he too looked laughable against Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho. This team is unstoppable, and perhaps the best thing of the night. The end spot had Owens launching Enzo up and Jericho giving him a code breaker for the pin. New team buried, great to see the new guys getting over, oh wait.
Match Rating: 4 out of 5
Charlotte def. WWE Women’s Champion Sasha Banks
The feminazis on Twitter probably hated this fact. So much for the Divas Revolution right? The women’s championship match was SECOND on the PPV show! This match was stellar at times, and there were some insane botches at others. There were so many spots blown, and random elements in which Sasha seemed very hurt. The match ended in the classic Survivor Series 1996 finale. As soon as Sasha lost, the internet went insane with Sasha’s possible wellness violation! That’s right, she may have been on drugs! Oh well. Ok match, not a diva’s revolution, more of the same old BS if you ask me. Sorry Feminazis, your precious women’s division IS NOT GOING TO MAIN EVENT MANIA, GTFO.
Match Rating: 2 out of 5
Intercontinental Champion The Miz def. Apollo Crews
I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back The Miz had won. The best part about this was Maryse looking amazing. Man, what a hot woman. Sigh. I’m jealous Miz, I’m jealous.
Match Rating: 1 out of 5
AJ Styles def. John Cena
This was an instant classic. Cena and Styles threw everything possible at each other, and right when I finally thought that Cena was going to lose, he didn’t kick out. He lost. He straight up lost clean to Aj Styles. I kid you not. CENA lost clean. He lost out big time.
Match Rating: 5 out of 5
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson def. WWE Tag Team Champions The New Day via disqualification
Boring match. John Stewart was there, I didn’t care. Big E shows up, and guess what? The Club Sandwich boys get buried again.
Match Rating: 1 out of 5
WWE World Champion Dean Ambrose def. Dolph Ziggler
Dean Ambrose is resting on his laurels. Steve Austin was right. He’s putting in the same match every single time, and not even Ziggler can save him. This was a train wreck of boredom. Ziggler loses again, despite a good build over time. Ziggler needs to take his money and go home. Dean Ambrose needs to stop resting on his laurels and quit putting in boring matches. He has the charisma of a wet paper bag right now, and he isn’t going to stand out if he’s not insane. Where was the guy that drove a damn Ambulance into the ring? Now? He’s just a bland, piece of unleavened bread.
Match Rating: 1 out of 5
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Nikki Bella, Natalya & Alexa Bliss def. Becky Lynch, Naomi, & Carmella
Nikki Bella got a HUGE pop here. This just shows you that the WWE women’s championship is not as important as Nikki Bella’s return. So much for that diva’s revolution. Naomi is rad though, congrats for that. She’s great, I’d love to hang out with her, and discuss GLOW TIME.
Match Rating: 1 out of 5
Finn Bálor def. Seth Rollins to become the first WWE Universal Champion
The Universal Championship belt design is the worst. It looks like the Women’s title mixed with a fruit roll up. NO joke. The Demon Kane, I mean king, wrestled well enough against Rollins. However, at no time did I want to cheer for any of these guys. Balor sounds like he has marbles in his mouth. Rollins is unsafe, and was throwing Finn around like he was Sting and he wanted to injure him again. He’s unsafe, and it showed. Go back and look at some of the spots and you’ll see this. Just look at the power bomb through into the guard rail, and you will see Finn nearly shatter his shoulder.
Match Rating: 3 out of 5
The United States Championship Match did not take place after Roman Reigns rendered Rusev unable to compete
This never happened. Reigns beat up Rusev, made him look like a chump. The match didn’t start, who cares.
Match Rating: 0 out of 5
Brock Lesnar def. Randy Orton via TKO
This was insane. Brock Lesnar not only showed up to wrestle, he showed up to STIFF Orton. The match was worked Stiff, and Lesnar was taking liberties on Orton. It absolutely showed. When Lesnar threw Orton into the announce table the first time, look closely and you’ll see how much Lesnar was sand bagging him. Don’t believe me? Look how Orton gave him a spike DDT in the ropes. Lesnar’s head hit the mat like a sack of potatoes.
This was all fine and dandy, until Brock’s suplexes got more and more stiff, and eventually he took his gloves off and shattered Orton’s face. I’m not sure if this was hard style or not, but Lesnar was raining closed fists at Orton’s face and you could see that he wasn’t playing. This was a travesty to me. It looked real, Lesnar wins.
A part timer not only embarrasses Orton, he cheated UFC took steroids, and now he’s here burying a top guy? Is Orton retiring? If not, he should. This was a joke of a match. Shane McMahon came out, and got an F5 for his troubles. They blurred the lines here. I didn’t like it. I thought this match was stupid.
Match Rating: 3 out of 5
Last Notes on Summerslam 2016
My last take on this night? A terrible booked event. I still cannot believe how miserable this whole event was. I also cannot believe how both world championships were booked as non-important. If they are so important why didn’t they main event? Seriously. Why? They must not care about the world title, and when they don’t care, guess what? I don’t care at all either.
This was the worst Summerslam since 1993 or 1995, I can’t remember, they both sucked. I can’t believe I wasted 4 hours of my life on this piece of garbage. WWE is really out of touch if they thought this was a good event. If you did too, you’re wrong.
I’m done. I don’t even care about Raw, but I’ll have a review for it coming up. This was a stupid show. Stupid, Stupid show.
Overall Summerslam 2016 Rating: 2 out of 5 for Harambe.
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