Wrestling Is Fake...

We’ve all heard this one, some of us more times than others. But the nanosecond we openly admit to being a fan of wrestling we get the inevitable miscreant who thinks they are shattering our world with their intellect telling us, “You know wrestling is fake, right?”.

I had no idea!!! Are you going to tell me Santa Claus isn’t real? The Easter Bunny? If you tell me the Tooth Fairy is not real I’m going to burn this motherfucker down right now.

The Irony of the Stupidity

The WWE and wrestling in general, at one time, did go to great lengths to try and convince you everything you saw in the ring was real. Their job was to convince you there really is a place called “Parts Unknown”, “Death Valley” and various other fictional locations that matched up with a wrestlers gimmick. To their credit, they did a great job….because kids and teenagers believed it while the adults just enjoyed the entertainment value of it all. Oh and the bodies….my oh my some of them bodies.

Breaking News: That’s what the hell wrestling has ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT!

Let me make a few presumptions here that are more than likely true of these “wrestling is fake” people. My guess is they are HUGE followers of boxing and the UFC….aka real fighting. I would also venture a guess they have no less than half a dozen television/cable shows they watch religiously (Walking Dead, Orange is the New Black, etc). So it would stand to reason they know the difference between what’s real and what is scripted and can appreciate the entertainment from both, right. RIGHT?

Ever since WWE got “the F out” and became a publicly traded company, they have not made much of an effort to convince anyone with a working brain stem that their entertainment is not scripted. Peruse some of the programming on their network or on Youtube and you’ll see “good guys” and “bad guys” hanging out together, doing stuff together that if you were to believe the storylines, should never happen. The WWE is very much on board with people knowing the entertainment…..let me say that again, ENTERTAINMENT, is scripted with match results already predetermined. Just like ANY entertainment show on television today that doesn’t involve the “reality” genre….and even half of those are scripted but that’s a topic for another day. One of the great differences between WWE and wrestling entertainment overall is if a character is not connecting with a crowd and takes away from the flow of the show they are repackaged, relocated, replaced and sometimes even dismissed from the company. How many shows do you watch with an absolute trainwreck of a cast member or two that you have to put up with because they are under contract and therefore will continue to be in every episode no matter how horrible they are?

There Is A Reason For This Warning

When you break it all the way down, professional wrestlers are stunt men and women with scripts. That’s the bottom line. The moves they pull off in the ring and outside of it are nothing short of mind boggling sometimes and while choreography definitely has its place in the developing of matches, there are some moves that simply cannot be faked. Like…..jumping off the goddamn Hell in a Cell cage. Getting put through tables. Getting thrown off of ladders, out of a ring and landing on something about as cushy as a yoda mat. Fake landings? I think not. In the almost 30 years I’ve been watching wrestling I have seen every conceivable injury you can imagine happen to these men and women of the squared circle. Many of them come back from injury, some never do. There is nothing fake about the action that results in some of the most life altering injuries you will ever see. How many times do you think the action heros of the movies ACTUALLY jumped off of anything? How many times do you think they ACTUALLY landed on the pavement or grass or out of a plane and into the water? Zero. Between paid stunt men and women, green screens and ten foot tall landing cushions, I’d venture a guess that not even so much as a fingernail is broken in most scripted action scenes on television or the movies. But wrestling is “fake”?

The Self Inflicted Cognitive Dissonance and Where It Comes From

Back in the 80’s and early 90’s, before the WWE and wrestling in general became the mainstream entertainment juggernaut that it is today, it was common to hear most people deride wrestling as “fake fighting among guys in tights”. Why? Because it just hadn’t evolved yet, it was very much an overlooked and marginalized form of entertainment because it only appealed to a very small subset of the population. But it’s that very same mentality that has carried over into modern day judgement of wrestling because….here’s the kicker….they don’t actually WATCH the shows, might even be afraid they’ll like it and as such it’s “easier” to just follow the ever-dwindling crowd and say wrestling is fake as they sit down to watch their recorded, scripted TV shows full of green screens and stunt people. In short, I believe these “wrestling is fake” troglodytes WANT to watch, like and enjoy wrestling but because there are still more people saying it’s not “real” and therefore not “cool”, they can’t allow themselves to give it a try but rather just talk shit to those who do watch it. Because, you know, it makes them better than you.

Next week I'll be talking about....well.....you're just going to have to come back and see. Until then, I'm Irreparably Jaded and I know this article is a week late because....you know.....LIFE!

From a fantastic four to a dirty, filthy, CHEAP dozen...current generation to blame?

Once upon a glorious time, WWF/WWE had four major shows a year. The shows where magic happened, old rivalries were settled and new ones were born, legends and memories were made. The events were known as Pay Per Views and we got four spectacular ones every year. There was Summerslam in August, Survivor Series in November (it was actually ON Thanksgiving Day), Royal Rumble in January and of course the granddaddy of them all, Wrestlemania in April. All of the storylines, angles, face/heel turns and sometimes even new talent converged on these events and it was worth every penny of the price, every time.

But now? We have 12, count ‘em 12 events a year. Some as little as three weeks apart from each other and with the introduction of the WWE Network, they can’t even be called PPV’s any longer. You know what I call them? With the exception of the four main shows, it’s just RAW with a different name. That’s it.

The Immediate Gratification Factor:

Without even getting into the greed aspect of this on WWE’s part, let’s look at this from the big picture. What is a company’s primary objective? To make money. How do they do that? By giving their customers what they want. At some point in the last 15-20 years the message was delivered to WWE that fans wanted more big shows besides Royal Rumble, Wrestlemania, Summer Slam and Survivor Series. So the WWE delivered. Why not? Not only are they giving fans what they want but they tripled the opportunities to sell merchandise at big events every year (from four big shows to twelve). Then the fans told them they wanted to see a new champion every few months….so now we see the WWE title change hands more times in one year than it did for all of the the 70’s and 80’s combined. I didn’t agree with the split brand titles because I feel it took away from both champions equally. One company, one guy. Same goes for the Women’s division….one company, one woman champion and THANK YOU for getting rid of the “Diva’s” title. What a joke that was. But I digress….

Degradation and Disintegration of Storylines:

For those of you old enough to remember or have educated yourself on the history of the business versus just eating the slop dumped in your bowl each week and thinking it’s great….think back to the storylines of the late 80’s and early 90’s. Epic, weren’t they? Well, many of them...not all. Why do you think they were so great? So memorable? Yes the talent has a lot to do with it as do the writers. But the primary reason, in my humble opinion, is those storylines thrived because of the same reason anything else ends up good, lasting and memorable: They were given the TIME to develop. We didn’t see the two people scheduled to fight at the PPV anywhere near each other in a ring during the weekly shows unless it was to screw with the others match or otherwise fan the flames of that rivalry. These days? If you JUST watch RAW or Smackdown every week, you have pretty much seen the big matches at the big events already. How many times in the past two weeks did Styles and Reigns cross paths prior to their match last night at Extreme Rules? How about the rest of the card? Every single week there were physical altercations involving the combatants of just about every single match last night.

Where’s the anticipation? 

Once upon a time, opponents generally wouldn’t get a hand on their opponent until the actual event or during the “send off” show prior to the actual event. At this point, there is literally nothing to look forward to….or pay for….during these events formerly known as PPV’s. Nothing. The WWE is so desperate to seize the moment when anyone becomes organically “hot” (I think they are still baffled how that happens), they will put someone in a major storyline or even the WWE title picture *cough* AJ Styles *cough* if they think it will sell a few more tickets that particular week. But aside from that, if you follow the “behind the scenes” stuff, you already knew Rollins was coming back last night and with the heat Reigns has been getting (I can’t wait to hear it on RAW tonight), there was no question Rollins was going to come back as a “face” and attack Reigns after the match. Styles never had a chance of winning last night simply because he’s only been in WWE a few months and is already showing signs of wear and tear. Popular as he may be, they aren’t putting the belt on him and ruin the encounter we’ve all been waiting for since Rollins put that chair to the back of Ambrose and Reigns some time ago.

A plausible solution that will never happen:

I’m not one to complain about something without offering a solution. I’d just as soon keep my mouth shut and stew about it internally. So I’m not about to advocate abolishing the eight extra shows and going back to JUST the main four. I recognize a need for a few more shows and understand this represents more money for the performers as well. So my suggestion is simple...cut the shows in half. Seriously. In doing so, you can still appease those who need to see results from a feud quickly but you also give yourself time to build a credible storyline that make people even WANT to watch the big show.

My Suggestions:

Royal Rumble: One of the main four, leave it alone.

Fastlane: Abolish it. All this does is put a massive pothole on the “Road to Wrestlemania”.

Wrestlemania: No comment needed...

Extreme Rules: This would be a good show if we weren’t in the “PG” era. But I’ve never been a fan of wrestlers shredding and destroying their bodies week in and week out thus shortening their careers and in some cases, their lives. Abolish it.

Payback: Another waste of time. Glorified RAW. Get rid of it.

Money In The Bank: I’d not only advocate keeping this one but making it matter again. Unless the talent has “earned their stripes” in the locker room and is gold on the mic AND in the ring, they should not get this briefcase. Especially those who just happen to be a “flavor of the month” with fans.

Battleground: For what? Abolish it.

SummerSlam: Staple show….gotta keep it.

Night of Champions: I love this concept but the show should be ONLY title matches. Save the rivalries for…..

Hell in a Cell: Even in the “PG” era, this can still be a good show if written correctly with well developed storylines. You don’t need blood or big spots to make these matches good….how about the “hell” of being locked in a cage with someone who can’t wait to get their hands on you?

Survivor Series: The 4th and final staple show of the year. But this show has to go back to it’s roots. Four on four. That’s it. Vince and the writers need to get all of their lust for mixed tag matches out on this show and stop ruining the weekly shows with that garbage. The novelty of it is dead and rotting.

TLC: With the Hardy’s gone, Edge and Christian gone and the Dudley’s enjoying one last run, this show needs to be dumped as well.

There you go. Seven shows instead of twelve. Plenty of time to develop convincing storylines AND develop good matches. Should WWE do it? Hell yes. Will they? Ohhhhh heeeeeellllllll no.

Next week I’m going after the intellectual troglodytes that love to tell you “wrestling is fake”. You won’t want to miss that.

Until then, I’m Irreparably Jaded and I got other shit to do now besides educate you.

John Cena is never turning heel, neither is Roman Reigns...and you have only yourself to blame.

Every other month or so we hear “rumors” and “sources close to the WWE” say a John Cena heel turn is imminent. Every WEEK we hear the same about Roman Reigns. But week after week, PPV after PPV, the swerve never happens...and it’s not going to. Why? Because that’s actually NOT what’s best for business.

The business reality of WWE

Ever since the WWE went “PG” due to Linda McMahon’s failed attempt at politics as well as when WWE Corporate went public, their sole purpose has been to generate revenue and expand their market presence in the world of entertainment. To their credit, they have done a great job but it’s come at the expense of losing the “support” of fans that have already surpassed puberty. Those of us who remember an era other than the Attitude Era. Now I use the term support loosely because while the “old school” wrestling fans have become disenchanted with the current product, one fact remains: We’re still watching it. We’re still subscribing to WWE Network. We are still buying their products and they are still selling out arenas all over the world. So….why the hell would they turn their two biggest “faces” in the company? It makes ZERO business sense, that’s why.

John Cena is the Hulk Hogan of his generation, plain and simple. Roman Reigns, despite his family lineage and the company’s best laid plans to elevate him, may never truly reach his potential as long as mic work is part of the job. The man has absolutely ZERO charisma and like Big Cass says, YOU CAN’T TEACH THAT. The WWE’s next big heel is only going to happen organically. Personally I think Seth Rollins is a natural and Kevin Owens is right up there with him. Here’s hoping Vince doesn’t ruin either of them with one of his asinine ideas later on and then fire them like they did something wrong *cough* Damien Sandow *cough*.

What makes a good heel turn?

Do you remember the greatest heel turn in the history of the business? I do. I still remember it fondly because it changed the entire industry. Bash at the Beach, 1996, the biggest face in the history of wrestling makes the heel turn no one expected (I don’t even think the commentators knew it was coming), Hulk Hogan comes in, turns heel and creates one of the greatest stables (which eventually got watered down) in history with the nWo. This of course spawned DX and the Monday Night War really took off. Now why did that heel turn happen? Hogan was already the biggest name in the business, Nash and Hall were there and the trickle of talent coming in from WWE was already quickly growing to a steady stream. Why the bombshell? Because it made perfect business sense. Hardcore wrestling fans would continue to watch WWE and WCW (watch one, record the other back in those days) but the WWE loyalists would not bother watching WCW and just write off Hogan, Nash, Hall, etc as old guys past their prime basically doing the same shtick somewhere else. Unless….they weren’t. Turning Hogan heel was probably the single most ballsy, business savvy GENIUS move pulled off up to that point and since then. Ultimately it also lead to the eventual demise of WCW because the wrong guys were given “creative control” and basically took the politics they pulled in WWE and amplified it tenfold. But the heel turn decision was made because it really was best for business and if WCW had competent management calling the shots behind the scenes, we might still have two major competing brands….and I’m not saying WWE would be one of them, either.

The innovator is now the cancer: Vince McMahon

Once upon a time, albeit through incredibly nefarious actions, Vince McMahon innovated an entire industry and set it on a path to develop into the massive conglomerate that it is today. But too much of anything can be bad and Vince got too much credit and too much power in his creation of what is now called “sports entertainment” almost single handedly so he refuses to release the iron fist of influence he wields over everything seen on WWE broadcasting. If you truly think HHH has final say on NXT operations or that Stephanie has final say on RAW and Smackdown programming then you must believe that control of RAW was really on the line at Wrestlemania this year when Shane fought the Undertaker. We see how that played out, don’t we? The reality is Vince has been creatively out of touch almost since the beginning. The nWo is almost directly responsible for the existence of DX. All of the various wild storylines during the Monday Night War was essentially designed to out shock people away from WCW.

Hell, do you remember the Stone Cold Steve Austin heel turn? That was PURELY to get even with a company he already bought for the shock of turning Hulk Hogan...and he couldn’t even get that right. By the way, who is your favorite XFL team? Oh….right. Vince McMahon no doubt has one of the better business acumens than most have and he certainly deserves his share of credit for what he’s created. But one imperative trait that he never developed (I speak past tense because at his age, he’s beyond the point of change), he never learned to truly delegate. If in no other capacity, he should have done so from a creative standpoint. Hire some real writers, give them guidelines to stick to because of the whole PG nonsense and let them do their thing. No more fucking New Day’s. No more fucking Adam Rose and a dancing bunny. No more fucking Oddities. Stop changing the tint in ring lighting for an ENTIRE MATCH for people. Do you realize how hard that is to watch? I call it a bathroom break match.

But you know why we will continue to see these creative defecations in WWE for as long as Vince McMahon draws oxygen on this earth? Because WE KEEP WATCHING and hoping for more. As long as he doesn’t NEED to, he’s not approving any relevant heel turns. We get to watch Kane and Big Show switch back and forth, that’s all we’re getting and we should be grateful for that. Right?

*flips table*

Next week I will get into the proliferation of what was once known as Pay-Per-Views….until then I’m Irreparably Jaded and in respect to this article, I’m as fucked up as you are.

In Case You Missed last week's article by Irreparably Jaded, it's right HERE

Chris Jericho - Would you please GO. THE. HELL. AWAY.

The Skinny

Do you remember Chris Jericho’s big WWE debut? He was one of the bigger names coming over from WCW and aside from getting fed to the Rock right out of the gate, (“Who in the blue hell are you?”), Jericho established himself quickly as a fan favorite. Eventually, much to my surprise and chagrin he proceeded to defeat Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock to become the first ever Undisputed Champion.

Now I understand the goal was to start elevating new names to the main event scene because let’s face it, we had our fill of Austin vs Rock, Rock vs HHH, HHH vs Austin. They gave Jericho his shot and as evident by him soon dropping those belts to a returning HHH, it was clear Jericho just wasn’t quite the draw Vince had hoped he would be. Whether or not HHH already had Vince’s ear to ensure getting the belts off Jericho is a story for another day, but the fact remains Jericho was never seriously in the title picture again.

The Upshot

Over the years Jericho has come and gone, come and gone, come and gone as he tours with his band and then comes back to wrestle for awhile. Just like with the Rock and his movies, and the fans eat up the returns every time. But each time he returns, he does so with an even more obnoxious variation of his character. From the pompous jerk-wad with gratuitous use of large vocabulary to calling himself the best in the world at what he does (which he has picked back up) to trying to be the one to “save” CM Punk from himself as he accused Punk of being a phony in the straight edge lifestyle…..and my God that damn blinking jacket. But here’s the prevailing theme with each return: It’s always to build up new talent. Great concept but I think that ship has sailed two returns ago.

Last I checked, since he first returned from the long hiatus he was on, Jericho hasn’t really gone over in any major feuds, he hasn’t held any major titles for very long (even by WWE standards), he doesn’t even get good storylines anymore. So much so that he’s recycling his old heel characters and running with that. While it’s true, at his age (45) he’s kept himself in damn good shape and he can still “go” with most of the roster and maybe that is all the building Vince wants Jericho to do...get the new, young talent a win over a big name. But is that really helping anyone? Look at his current feud with AJ Styles who came IN hot with just as much talent.

The Bottom Line

The first time Jericho returned from his initial, long hiatus, the buzz lasted months. Any feuds he was in were near main event status. His reputation had preceded him and let’s face it, he had and still has one of the better entrance themes/acts. But with each return, the buzz dissipates a little faster. Months turn into weeks. Weeks have turned into a couple episodes of RAW and then he’s just another veteran name on the roster. He’s not Brock Lesnar or The Undertaker but I believe he deserves that kind of veteran respect.

Which begs the question: When will he stage a return we can actually give a damn about? I just don’t think he has that in him anymore and thus isn’t doing the new, young talent any favors. As an in-ring talent, his days of relevance are long behind him. So unless we’re going to get The Highlight Reel (and ONLY that) from Jericho, I ask that he please…. SHUT THE HELL UP.

Until next time, I'm Irreparably Jaded....and I'm the guy you WISH you were.

The New Day: Vince McMahon’s latest insult to your intelligence...and you’re eating it up.

And now, ladies and gentleman, I introduce to you a new weekly column. The writer of this column goes by the pen name, Irreparably Jaded. I put out a search for writers, and here is one brave soul that has answered the call. With that in mind, here you go, enjoy a new update to this site to fill in some of the editorial gaps left by myself (Sir Jorge), as we transition to a more serious tone.

Gone are the days of teams like Demolition, The Nasty Boys, Legion of Doom, Edge & Christian...hell, even the Hardy’s and the Rockers. Now we have mismatched wrestlers and fellow superstars getting paired together in blatant attempts to salvage what is nearly an extinct division: tag team wrestling. Sure we have the Dudley Boys again as a nice relic from the Attitude Era but how much longer can we really expect them to be relevant? Another year or two (if we’re lucky)? Once they inevitably get their last title reign (something I’m sure they were promised when they agreed to return to the company full time), I’m sure they’ll hold the belts for a few months, drop them, and quietly fade into the sunset. All in time for them to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Possibly as early as next year.

Where Have The Real Tag Team’s Gone?

A Real Tag-Team

As far as traditional tag teams go, we have the Usos, The Ascension (well, one half), and most recently Anderson and (a new and improved) Gallows. Can you name another traditional tag team on the main roster right now? Then of course you have The Wyatt Family. But as potentially legendary as they may be, they are more of a stable now. A great stable mind you, but a stable nonetheless. League of Nations? Also a stable, that Alberto Del Rio was recently quoted as saying they were only brought together so they could all be on the WrestleMania 32 card, so they will be breaking up soon anyway (and news sites claim it’s official).

The Death of The Shield, Dawn Of A “New” Idea

After breaking up the Shield, that left fans with very little reason to even pretend to care about the tag team division. In fact, The Wyatts vs The Shield was the ONLY kind of tag team wrestling people enjoyed. But Why? Well besides a good storyline, something WWE is very uncomfortable with developing these days, they also worked VERY well together. Like teams USED to do once upon a time.

Vinnie Mac’s Money Machine: Tag Team Edition

Thus the wrestling defecation known as The New Day began assaulting our airwaves. To be honest, as soon as I hear one of their voices boom over the arena, I change the channel. I don’t care what they’re wearing, who they’re wrestling or what they’re doing. But during WrestleMania 32 I more or less had no choice, so I proceeded to let them inflict their act on my senses.

Thankfully I had beer at the ready. From the first image of a box of “Booty-O’s” to the trombone to the chants of “New Day Rocks” (“Yes” movement, anyone?), all I could think of was damn how the bar for acceptable tag teams has plummeted. The worst part? The crowd was ALL OVER IT!

This tag team appeals to the lowest possible I.Q. of the population. Give the idiots something to chant and they’ll love you. That’s PG Era Wrestling 101 right there and it seems to work. Personally I find their entire act offensive on multiple levels but that’s a topic for another day.

Here’s hoping NXT is developing some good tag teams and Vince actually allows them to stay together long enough to create a legacy. Because this PG Era practice of sell the most merchandise, tickets and WWE Network subscriptions without actually offending anyone is slowly making WWE antiquated and outmoded and thus expendable to fans with a functioning brain.

- Until next time, I’m Irreparably Jaded, and you’re definitely not. Idiots.